How confident are you of your child's ability to stand up to peer pressure? This is an important question because (a). You will NOT always be there to stop him/her from being exposed to negative influences. (b). You cannot hide him/her away at home for ever. That leaves you only ONE option: teach him/her HOW to manage relationships effectively such that friends KNOW his/her stand on relevant issues and respect it.

But maybe I should start by asking if YOU know how to say NO yourself? Many adults will recall some point in their past lives when because they felt the need to NOT appear "un cool", they consented to doing wrong things - ending up feeling miserable(I hope!) for days or weeks afterwards.

The inability to say "NO" and stick to it when people try to get us to do what we feel conflicts with our values, can often get one into trouble. When people KNOW that you do not know how to(or cannot) say NO to them, they play on that weakness to take advantage of you. If you fail to deal with this inadequacy in your personality, your kids are likely to pick it up - and become "weaklings" for others to prey on at school or in life.

Signs that suggest you have not taught your child how to say NO: If you always feel you need to be around to stop your child from being influenced to do the wrong things(e.g. you find it difficult to let him/her go far away from you with peers). If you are never confident that your child has enough powers of discernment to KNOW when s/he should not do a thing that would be wrong, then take it from me that you need to be VERY worried: YOU HAVE NOT EMPOWERED your child to mature into an independent-minded adult.

What Does It Take To Say NO - And Think Independently?

1. Real-World Relevant Intelligence: Robert Kiyosaki shared his Rich Dad's definition of intelligence as "The ability to make finer distinctions." I find that definition has universal relevance. To be able to say NO when necessary, one must develop the ability to "look" beyond the obvious in order to extract accurate interpretations, and deduce appropriate implications.

2. Healthy Self-Esteem Level: A strong knowledge and sense of self. As a nine year old, Bill Gates reportedly knew himself well enough to pronounce to a family friend that "I can do anything I set my mind to". A child who thinks this way is not likely to want to impress others(or avoid being mocked), by joining them to do something s/he does not want to do.

3. Strong Values/Vision, and Purpose: Knowing that what's "popular" may NOT be "good". And that "consensus" does NOT equal "truth". PLUS being aware of what one's important goals are, will help a person decide when to say NO. If everyone appears to be saying it's okay to do something you KNOW deep inside your heart is not, you MUST follow your heart, not them.

4. Deliberate Exposure/Education: Don't shush your child up when s/he gets curious about sensitive subjects. A little openness in answering questions about those curiosity-arousing issues(e.g. Sex) will likely demystify them, and reduce his/her chances of seeking answers elsewhere(without your knowledge!). Cover it up in secrecy, and the child's curiosity intensifies, making her more willing to join others in "exploring" it when you're not there.

5. Knowing That Age Has Nothing To Do With It: Older persons do NOT always do things in the interest of younger persons. Adults know this. Yet cultural norms sometimes cause us to set our children up(by asking them to show respect and be obedient) to be exploited by irresponsible adults. Teaching your child what s/he can say NO to(and when) EVEN if an adult is the one making a request of him/her, could just save his/her life some day.

I strive daily to teach my kids how to think for themselves, and say NO(when necessary). It's the MOST important form of education. What about you?

Web www.spontaneousdevelopment.com

1. Ten Practical Steps You Can Take To Help YOUR Child Discover His/Her Purpose In Life (For Parents/Guardians/Teachers who wish their kids well)

2. Are you a multipreneur? Tom Gorman's book(a 272-page paperback) titled "Multipreneuring: (1) Using a variety of skills and a series of careers to succeed (2) The Hottest Career Strategy For Success In The 1990s - and Beyond", written to address the need to develop a multiple career strategy provides techniques for managing a more flexible "chameleon" career.

As explained in Tom Gorman’s book on “Multipreneuring”, one can develop multiple sources of income and pursue multiple careers (in paid, or self-employment). A key suggestion made in the book, is for the individual to continually acquire new learning, and also take advantage of opportunities that appear in the market place as they become apparent. Reading this book is a good way to start. Last time I checked, it retailed for $11.00. You can visit http://www.amazon.com/ to read comments by past readers/buyers.

Yours in Self-Development!

Tayo K. Solagbade
Self-Development/Performance Enhancement Specialist