.(Published Online: 17th May 2007)

People Who Always Get Helped Without Being "Taught" Seldom Stop Needing Help

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The more is given, the less the people will work for themselves, and the less they work, the more their poverty is increased" - Leo Tolstoi(1892)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is a common fact of life that certain persons will sometimes need "help" to achieve progress they seek in some areas of their lives. Over the years, I have taken time to carefully study - as the opportunities presented themselves - how such people over time fared. One thing came out quite clearly: For some reason, people who got "help" READILY handed out to them in an atmosphere that did not CHALLENGE them to LEARN how to take control of their situation so as to eventually become self-sufficient, SELDOM stopped needing help!

In contrast, those who got help that included being TAUGHT HOW TO develop/empower themselves, to overcome the limitations of their circumstances, quite often ended up becoming self-dependent and highly motivated. Why does this happen? I personally believe it is due to the fact that when people get used to being given things to cope with the difficulties or limitations they face, they become CONDITIONED to expecting help to come in that manner. With the exception of a few individuals who may have "spirits" that make them reject being dependent on others for long, many people tend to be quite content to wait till they are given rather than wanting to LEARN how they can on their own find/get what they need.

In my country, there is a very common practice of "helping" less fortunate relatives, friends etc by giving them cash gifts. A successful person out here will often find him/herself besieged with demands for money for schooling, feeding etc from various members of extended families - and even beyond. If s/he happens to experience any setback that negatively affects his/her income source, there is a rippling multiplier effect down through the chain of dependency that's been formed. The irony is that few if any of those who had been receiving money regularly from him/her would at this point be able to turn around to offer help in return. This is because in most cases they often spend it all and begin preparing to come back for more!

Incidentally the point being made here is one that I strongly believe can help many charities/donor agencies MODIFY their approach in providing "help" to their respective target groups, so they can record MORE sustainable successes. In the next section I explain my perspective on this issue, and what I believe can be done to help those dependants we care about from falling into this kind of trap.

Gradually Teaching Your Dependants To Make Money Helps Them Better Than Giving Them Money ALL The Time!

I believe VERY strongly that my peace of mind is MUCH more important than the "opportunity" to feel important by having those who need something from me KEEP coming back to me. I don't want to have anyone chasing me around for money. I would rather quickly show him/her how to make the money s/he sees me making so s/he can get out of my hair. :-)

I would NOT want anyone harassing me every now and then to help him/her type a letter on the PC. Instead I will ask him/her to commit to a programme to learn from me - FREE if necessary - how to do it. If s/he fails to honour the commitment, I would be justified to refuse to type any documents for him/her in the future. Same applies to the guy who every week wants me to use MS Excel to help him prepare a weekly report he sends to members of his cooperative. Same applies to...YOU get my drift by now I'm sure. :-)

I love helping people, BUT I prefer showing people HOW TO help themselves, because by so doing, I help them EVEN MORE - and in the process I HELP MYSELF too! Think about it. Not only will those YOU "help" in this manner be grateful to YOU for a long time, they will also tell others about what YOU did for them. Most importantly for me however, I would have my FREEDOM from worrying about when next she, he (or indeed THEY!) will be coming back to ask for more help, in whatever form or shape!

If more people in a society form the habit of coaching and influencing others around them in order to make such persons MORE self-sufficient and independent, THAT society will over time achieve major progress.

One Year Of National Youth Service That Changed A Boy's Life!

Let me now illustrate the potential benefits of doing what I have suggested above(i.e. coaching and influencing others to succeed by themselves) by sharing with you a VERY true story. It is about how deliberate coaching and influencing of a young disadvantaged boy(by someone who had only KNOWLEDGE and absolutely NO money to give at the time i.e. yours truly!), led him to eventually achieve a significant breakthrough in his academic pursuits. The expectation is that YOU, the reader, will draw inspiration from here, to actually make a difference in someone's life too!

a. I am posted to Vatsa Village

In my country, every adult who completes tertiary education is required to spend a one year period working as a Youth Corper in a part of the country s/he does not hail from. In 1992, I graduated(at the age of 22), with a degree in Agricultural Extension Services from the University of Ibadan. During my 1992/93-service year, I was posted to serve in Gulu-Vatsa village, Niger state. It is a remotely located village on the outskirts of Niger state - about 1 hour drive away from Gwagwalada, in Abuja, the Federal Capital Territory(FCT).

Despite it’s proximity to the FCT however, the village - at the time - had no electricity supply, and few vehicles went in or out daily. If you missed the last car by 5.00pm or so, you would have to wait till the next day. Most national newspapers like The Guardian, Punch etc would typically arrive 2 or 3 days late, plus we had no vendors and so had to borrow copies from the village health worker! There were of course many good sides to the place - like the interesting traditional marriage ceremonies, dance festivals etc often held overnight. For people like me who had never experienced REAL village life before then, it was an excitingly beneficial experience - the "pains" that we went through at some stages notwithstanding.

As a youth corper in Vatsa village, I worked as (you said it!) A TEACHER in one of the secondary schools (taking mainly Senior Secondary "2" and "3" classes). The school was in a terrible state. The dilapidated structures, lack of basic facilities for teaching were enough to discourage anyone. To make matters worse, the few teachers on staff who were already groaning under excessive workloads, also faced intermittent occurrences of delayed salary payments among other things! I could go on, but I'm sure you can relate - this is Nigeria. We all know what the problems with our educational institutions are. BUT it was the STUDENTS who suffered the most - for obvious reasons!

Consequently, when I arrived in the school, I saw an OPPORTUNITY to touch lives and make a difference. I had always had a passion for trying to set things right by helping others become better. So, when I saw the conditions under which the young boys and girls I had to teach were forced to learn, I vowed to find a way to make their learning experiences worthwhile.

Throughout the duration of my service year, I did my best to fulfill my “promise”. At the end of my stay, I did not get an award, but I did get numerous acknowledgements from the Head Teacher, teachers and many of the students. To show how challenging the circumstances under which I had to keep doing what I was doing were, I'll give a few details here. There was a 4-month period when our stipend from the NYSC secretariat in Lapai (four hours drive from Gulu) NEVER came! During this period, we (youth corpers in the village) had to pool funds every month to send one of our members to Lapai to try sorting out the problem!

It got so bad, that at a point some youth corpers (including “yours truly”) began doing jobs like grass cutting and vegetable beds preparation for the permanent teachers, so we could earn as little as N100 - One Hundred Naira(less than ONE US dollar)- just to keep going!!!(I exaggerate NOT!). This happened during the period of the June 12 presidential elections crisis, when most Nigerians were hurrying back to their states of origin. In our case, we didn't even have money to eat, talk less of going back home!

By the way, you will notice that I must have come back home in one piece (just as the indigenes had assured us we would!) else you would not be reading this!! With respect to the foregoing statement, I want to say that my service year experiences further reinforced my belief that Nigerians are all the same people regardless of their tribal and ethnic origins - contrary to what some mischief-makers want us to think! "Tribal differences" should not be allowed to create so much needless bad blood amongst Nigerians. I am Yoruba (from Abeokuta, Ogun state) and married to an Igbo woman (from Obosi, Anambra state).

My children each bear both Yoruba and Igbo names. For instance my first son bears the Yoruba name “Fela”( after the late Afro beat Musician who I greatly admired) and an Igbo second name “Amaechi” – same goes for his brothers. I have NO problems whatsoever with that. Neither do I find it difficult identifying with my in-laws! I am hopeful that all other Nigerians will find it worthwhile accepting their fellow countrymen and women the same way. (Oops, sorry I lapsed into my "I have a dream" speech!).

b. I meet Ahmed Ahmed Gulu (not a typo - that’s his full name!)

Back to my story. The financial challenges I faced during my service year did not diminish my enthusiasm for helping the students. There was one 15 year old boy (Ahmed Ahmed Gulu) who one day attended my Math class for the first time. I developed interest in him when he answered every question I asked correctly PLUS demonstrated rapid assimilation of new information. His performance was exceptional compared to what I had seen from the other students who had been regular in class. So, after the class, I called him and asked why I had never seen him in class before.

He explained that he had previously disliked school because teachers were few, and classes never held regularly. He added that students sometimes ended up being used by certain teachers as cheap farm labour! He only decided to resume when his peers returned from school talking excitedly about a new group of youth corpers who were doing a lot of teaching etc.

Eventually, Ahmed - who is Nupe by tribe (I am Yoruba) - became so close to me that many in the school, and village, soon began calling him my “son”. He continued to impress me with his quick grasp of new topics I exposed him to - in line with the syllabus. He would often come to my room in the corpers lodge for tutoring on various subjects covered each day in class. The day I was leaving, I left him a lot of my books, and other items. Our parting was quite emotional to say the least! Keep in mind that all this took place in 1993.

c. I get a Job - and return to Vatsa Village

In October 1994, I joined Guinness as a Graduate Management Trainee, and one year later returned to Vatsa village to visit Ahmed but was told he was away. My plan was to seek his father's consent to take Ahmed with me to Benin, where I could enroll him in a good school. One of Ahmed's friends took me to see Ahmed's father, but unfortunately, the father did not give his approval (for reasons beyond the scope of this book!).

I left a message for Ahmed that I had come around, but left no address since he already had the address to my family house in Lagos. Also, I wasn't sure if I would be deployed to Lagos or Benin breweries after my brewing training in Guinness.

So, 1995 was the last time I made any serious effort to contact Ahmed. I later received 2 very touching letters from him thanking me for all I had done, and pleading that I return to take him with me etc. Knowing that his father did not approve of that option, I instead challenged Ahmed in my reply, to work hard at his studies and get good grades to further his education up to tertiary level. That was in 1995.

d. Ahmed visits me in Benin City, Edo state - 5 years later!

Believe it or not, in July 2000(5 years later!), one sunny afternoon, Ahmed Ahmed suddenly appeared on the doorsteps of my house in Ikpoba hill, Benin City! He had undergone a major transformation. He was now almost my height, and much bigger in size than he was when I last saw him PLUS he was spotting a beard! It was difficult reconciling his size with that of the boy in the pix I took while I was a youth corper in Vatsa village back in 1993!!

After I had introduced him to my wife, Ahmed went on to narrate how he took off from Bida in Niger state to my family house in Gbagada Lagos - a six hour journey. Getting there, my parents told him I was based in Benin City and that they would let me know he had visited. (Note that they already knew his name, because I had spoken so much about him upon my return from service!). He said he replied that (and my parents confirmed this) he would not return to Niger state UNTIL he had seen me!

So, Ahmed asked for directions to Benin, and eventually arrived Guinness Benin brewery where some of the staff brought him down to my house. I must point out here, that this was the FIRST time Ahmed would be travelling to southern Nigeria in his entire life! Imagine the courage and determination it must have taken him to continue a journey he thought would end in Lagos, only to find he had to go even further to another place called "Benin"! Travelling from Niger state to Lagos by bus usually takes about six to seven hours by road and from Lagos to Benin, three to four hours. That should give you an idea of how tasking the journey Ahmed chose to undertake was - especially since he didn't know exactly where he was going!

And to think that he vowed that he would not go back until he had seen me! Keep in mind also that he was still a student, so money was not exactly in abundance in his hands. He told us (myself and my wife - Nkechi) of how he traced an "uncle" (whose address he got from a relative in the village) living somewhere in Lagos, and got some more money with which to continue his journey. Now, that's an example of how determination and perseverance can make a person achieve phenomenal feats. It is the reason why I believe so fervently in the saying: "Whatsoever the human mind can conceive, that it can achieve"!

Ahmed spent a week with us, and each day repeatedly expressed his gratitude to me for "opening up his mind" and teaching him so much. By the way, at this time Ahmed told me he was a second year student of "Accounting and Finance"(I think that's the title of the course) at the Federal Polytechnic Bida in Niger state. He was one of the few who had passed the Secondary School certificate exams after I left, and had subsequently gained admission to the polytechnic. Ahmed also brought goodwill messages from many of his former classmates who knew me - including a letter from his friend who had taken me to see Ahmed's father in 1995! Funny how people never forget someone who genuinely empathises with them.

To sum it up, Ahmed returned to Niger state after spending a week with my family. At the Aduwawa motor park where I saw him off, we once again found it difficult to separate. We both felt fulfilled. He had at last been able to find and thank me. I had been inspired by his wonderful show of appreciation for my efforts to share the little I knew, with him. That reinforced my belief in sharing with, and developing others.

To Succeed In Coaching & Influencing People, You Will Need To Clone Yourself™

I coined the phrase "Clone Yourself™ because I believe that to effectively coach and develop anyone, you will be drawing mostly from what YOU know, and have experienced.

You Cannot Give What You Don’t Have! To do this successfully (i.e. Clone Yourself™), you must have paid your dues. You must personify that which you want others to aspire to become. If you are not seen by those you wish to influence as a GOOD example of what they desire to be, then you stand little chance of getting any serious attention from them. So you MUST begin to deliver performances well above what the average person can, so people can begin to reckon with you - or else forget it! If you don't have it, how do you expect to be able to give it to others? You just CANNOT give what you don't have!!

But note here that it could take a while for the acknowledgement to come, so you will need to persist! You can then proceed to skillfully and subtly "influence" those that come close to consciously develop those same attributes they admire in you. You will do this because you are convinced it would help them achieve breakthroughs in their personal or work lives.

A person need not know what you're trying to do. What IS important is that you get her to acquire the desired knowledge, attitude or skill to become a better person. Also, avoid making the person feel threatened by ensuring you do not use yourself as a direct example or reference point. Whether or not a person accepts that he she has learnt from you is immaterial. So long as your actions and utterances have led to a noticeable and beneficial change in her in line with your objective(s), you HAVE successfully coached or influenced her!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them become what they're capable of being" - Johann Von Goethe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Final Words - Your Coaching & Influencing Will ALWAYS Yield Positive Testimonials If You Do It Right

After leaving that village, I continued my coaching and infuencing habit in the company I joined(just as I have since becoming an entrepreneur). I'll end by sharing what ONE of those who benefited from it wrote in an email to me one a half years AFTER I left the company:

Date: Mon, 7 Jun 2004 05:08:15 -0700 (PDT)
From: "emmanuel" Add to Address Book
To: tayo@tksola.com
Subject: update

Great Mentor,
You are really a great mentor. your principles are real and they work. Since the beginning of this year alot of things have happened. Top among them is the writing of assessment tests for our new line--Line 7. Out of 256 candidates, 75 were selected and out of the 75, 8 technicians were selected to go abroad for training of which I was among. We've been to Germany, stayed for 3weeks and now we are back. Each step I've taken ever since you left has been with at least one word from you... It is as if you knew before time the steps and so you left at least a word for each..

..For the present step, I remember very well what you said--the reward for hard work is more work. This you said just before you went to act as the production manager...I remember one of your words-the man who is weak in trials is weak indeed and the man who is strong, who perseveres during tough times is actually strong. These are what is keeping me going...

..What has happened so far, was firmly placed in me the last time I visited you. As I was on my way home, the impression was very strong in me and I kept saying it-that something significant was going to happen...
Best wishes, Emma

Send Someone A Great Gift!

This article is based on excerpts from Tayo Solagbade's 113 page Self-Development Bible™ titled "Ten Ways You Can Use Self-Development To Create The Future You Want". Give someone a gift s/he will thank you for. Visit Tayo's online store(click a link below) and order a printed glossy covered copy to be delivered to him/her.

CafePress.com http://www.cafepress.com/sdaproducts/tenways

Lulu.com http://www.lulu.com/sdaproducts

MORE ABOUT THE TEN WAYS BIBLE

The Self-Development Bible™ was written by Tayo Solagbade in 2002, based on a similarly titled one(1) Hour Talk he offers.